Hello readers. You may be asking yourselves things like “Who is this guy?”, “What is he writing about?”, and “Where did I put my car keys?” Well, you should check the kitchen counter, first of all. Secondly, you should keep reading and find out the answers to the other two questions.

You know what really grinds my gears? Receipts. How is it that people have not yet rioted over these things? Do you remember in the good old days when you bought one or two things and got a little 2 square inch receipt? I don’t, because in the last few years stores across America have been insidiously making longer and longer receipts.
It started off with return policies being printed on the back. This isn’t too terrible....unless you consider the fact that the return policy is a longer read than Stephen King’s The Stand. Now they’ve added these deals where you call an 800 number, complete a survey, and get a coupon for your next purchase. This, of course, typically adds another 6 inches to the real estate of the receipt.
Now it’s just gotten to be too much. I will often go to a local supermarket, purchase one or two things, and walk out with a foot-long receipt. And the worst thing is that I don’t even know why it’s that long! There’s absolutely no need for it to be; all I need is what I purchased, my totals, and the card information in case a return is necessary. Is that too freakin’ hard? It apparently is, since the length of the receipts I get when I do my standard grocery shopping could reach the moon ONE AND A HALF TIMES!!11@!!
Ok, so now you see the format that this will take. Of course, I’m not going to say “You know what really grinds my gears?” every time I explain something that grinds my gears; this isn’t a Family Guy rip-off (I think Seth MacFarlane actually stole the idea from me). But I’ll usually just be explaining something that is a common annoyance in an observationally humorous way—like a stand-up comic! Disclaimer: Unlike with most stand-up comics, these won’t actually be funny. Actually, it will probably be more sad, like when someone’s trying really hard to be funny and failing spectacularly, or like how puppies struggle when you have to drown them.
Oh! You know what really.......uh, bursts my bubble? Fires. Specifically, the fire at the Sawmill Cafe over the weekend (look Ma, I can be topical!). Not that I had any allegiance to the place, but when your nearest competition might as well serve a Port-o-Potty with the food, you know you have at least one advantage.
Speaking of which, I think I might be the only person NOT going to Denny’s on Tuesday for the free Grand Slam® (doubly topical!). You may now ask yourselves, “But Ben, why would you not want free food?” Two reasons, my friends. The first is the aforementioned intestinal problems that always follow a Denny’s meal; I’m pretty sure they fry their food with bleach rather than the standard, you know, oil. The second is that we all reside in a college town. College kids love free food. Do the math, we’re in Rolla: there are going to be more college dudes in that place than in a passed out girl at a Missouri State fraternity party. Oops. Too crass? Or was it too obscure? I apologize, in any case.
I’m going to cut this party short as I’m, unfortunately, too content right now. The next time I’m angry or annoyed I’ll be sure to start writing another article. Maybe I’ll bang my thumb in a door so I can write about how doors are too......functional, or something.