21, Female asks Alana: I have a bad history with men. I have feared them to the point that, with a few exceptions, I can’t stand to be touched by them. I’ve gotten better over the years and now have several guy friends and recently even had a serious relationship. Then, last fall, my boyfriend dumped me saying that he had just been trying to use me for sex. I don’t want this to affect the progress I’ve made, but its getting harder to keep from flinching around any man now. What do you suggest?

I’m sorry to hear that you have had such bad experiences to make you flinch around men. This obviously is a serious matter and should not be taken lightly. My first suggestion is to remember that not every man is like your ex-boyfriend—who could easily be described by several words not appropriate for the school newspaper. Take each guy as an individual and judge him by his own individual actions. If a tall guy with brown hair stepped on your foot and didn’t apologize, would you avoid all tall guys with brown hair for fear of having your feet stepped on? A lot of women get fed up with men because of how they’ve been hurt romantically, but like those women you need to remember that there are decent men out there. You just have to be willing to get back up and try again. Don’t let one man’s folly write off every other potential man in your life. I know if I had, I wouldn’t have met the great man in my life now—so there is hope! You have to just keep in mind that most—and I emphasize most—people have no desire of hurting anyone else. Just be upfront about what you expect. For example, in the instance of your last relationship, as awkward as it can be you need to tell your boyfriends in the beginning your beliefs on sex, whether it’s waiting until marriage or waiting until you’re comfortable. In review, judge men for their individual actions, not the actions of other individuals. Most people have no intention of hurting you, and be upfront with what you want and expect. If things ever start getting so bad that you are having trouble functioning in public, or you feel anxious constantly, you should seek out professional help, such as the counselors here at Missouri S & T, who are located in 204 Norwood Hall or can be contacted at I wish you luck. You are capable of working through this.

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