21, Male asks Alana: Good guys finish last?  This is the question that has been turning in my mind for the last few weeks, with a recent breakup in my mind.  Alana, I have been in a few serious relationships and have done my best to be a “perfect boyfriend”: always taking my girlfriend out, never abusive physically or verbally, and loved by her friends as well as family.  But all of them have ended tragically, yet I see many of my friends treating their girlfriends like garbage and these ladies seem more compelled to stay!  I ignore my friends’ advice to follow their example but it brings about a question: why is it that I can see more examples of bad guys lasting, but good guys getting dumped?

This is a hard question with no definite answer; however I will present a few theories of my own. First of all you should never try being the “perfect boyfriend” because your idea of the perfect boyfriend may be different from your girlfriend’s idea. You should always just be yourself. For example, a “perfect boyfriend” will always cuddle and hold his girlfriend, but while some women enjoy this, others find it suffocating. As far as what’s wrong with being a “good guy”, one theory is that good guys have no back bone. They will do whatever their girlfriend wants and will be a push over, and many women prefer to have men who are independent: who dote on them, but don’t center their lives around their girlfriends. One way to counteract this is to learn to say “No.” You do not have to do everything your girlfriend asks; if you say no every now and then because you have a paper due or you want to hang with the guys, she won’t be heartbroken. Also, you should take your cues from her. Does she say no sometimes? Does she snuggle up next to you a lot? If so follow her lead if those things appeal to you too. The best thing to do as always is to ask what she expects in a relationship, what her ideal boyfriend would be etc. However, never mold yourself to fit her standards. Just be yourself, and if a certain area is really important to her compromise. For example if she wants to cuddle all the time, but you want the space perhaps you can just hold her hand or she can lay with her head in your lap instead of a full on cuddle. From a psychological standpoint, one theory is that women stick with what they know. If they dated jerks in the past, they get stuck in a cycle and will continue to date jerks. Maybe in some cases women think that they can change those men, and make them better. Also, there is this notion that guys who aren’t the “good guys” are more exciting. Perhaps a woman doesn’t want to date a “good guy” because she isn’t ready to find the guy she wants to settle down with yet. There are theories on top of theories for the “good guys finish last” phenomena, so there will doubtfully ever be one true answer. I suggest that you should try not getting stuck in a rut. If you have been dating one type of woman, like a woman with the same interests, try dating another type, like a woman with different interests than yourself. Over all, there will never be a definite answer to why good guys finish last, but there are some things to help you along. One is to always be yourself, and never try to be the “perfect boyfriend” because every woman’s idea of perfect is different. Cue off of her, she is constantly giving you signals about what she wants and what makes her happy, and don’t give up. Just up on dating, try dating different types of women. The best thing to do when in a relationship is just to talk; ask what makes her happiest. You will be so surprised what you can learn just going back and forth asking questions. I wish you the best of luck.